10 Things That Prove Our Ancestors Were Total Pervs

10. Pompeii (Rome)


Know what they found when they dug up Pompeii? Dicks. Lots of dicks; a goddamn smorgasbord of dicks. Images of Pan running around with a Ron Jeremey-comedy-sized wang, people engaging in all sorts of vigorous penetration, and a statue of some dude boning a goat. This wasn’t just the Roman equivalent of glue-sniffing teenagers doodling graffiti on the toilet wall either (that’s not to say toilet graffiti wasn’t around too); this shit was everywhere. The whole city was one giant monument to getting an erection.

So explicit were the frescoes that the architect who first uncovered the city, in 1599, promptly buried it again out of sheer embarrassment.

9. The Victorians (Britain)


Despite their zeppelins and steam-powered robots, the Victorians always seemed pretty dour. On the surface that is: beneath the civilised veneer, the average Victorian was a slobbering mess of barely-repressed lust. Prostitution, homosexual orgies and STDs were rife among the moneyed classes, while peddlers of pornography churned out more obscenity in a day than /b/ manages in a week.

The Way of a Man With a Maid details violent bondage, rape and forced-incest; while the similarly-popular Memoirs of a Young Rakehall delights in descriptions of masturbation. Behind closed doors everyone was doing it; even freakin’ Queen Victoria is rumoured to have taken a young lover in her twilight years. They may have been too prim to show an ankle in public, but at heart they were as dirty as the floor of a Taiwanese sex club.

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