5. The ISIS Jihadi Who Was Too Lazy to Fight
Members of ISIS are many despicable things (callous, cruel, genocidal, anti-Semitic, homophobic), but one thing they’re not is lazy. At least, most of them aren’t. In January 2015, middle-aged Abu Ali crossed from Turkey into Syria to join the death cult. Recruited as a potential jihadist, Ali turned out to be so lazy that he wound up costing the Islamic State money.
There’s a passage in the Quran where Muhammad quite clearly says that if a Muslim doesn’t want to fight, no one can make them. Ali had evidently taken this to heart. When ISIS accepted him into their ranks, Ali demanded a desk job. When they told him to shut up and wage some jihad, he waved the Quran verse at them. Suddenly, ISIS were stuck with a fat, middle-aged idiot whom their own interpretation of Islam forced them to care for.
Over the next few months, Ali chilled out in Syria, watching Rambo on TV and getting fat off the ISIS teat. As carnage unfolded around him, this terminally lazy oddball spent his time downloading music videos and chatting with the jihadists around him. When ISIS finally forced him to go to the front, he invented a medical condition. Eventually, Ali found himself being shunted around from commander to commander, draining resources and driving the terrorists insane with his dedication to living like the Islamic State’s own personal welfare queen.
Finally, those in charge got so fed up with Ali that he began to fear for his safety. He escaped back to Turkey and immediately took up his old life again, having spent four months draining ISIS funds. We can’t tell if he’s genuinely an idiot or a clever undercover plant sent by the CIA to drive some jihadists up the wall.